[CW04] I Refuse

Preface

This week has not been a nice one, and lost quite a few days to immense insomnia and other bullshit that made my life noticeably harder.

So yeah.

I Refuse

I get up, at 15:00 in the morning.
I spend the next hour adjusting to the day full of unemployment ahead, the emails I need to write to bureaucrats, the applications I need to send out.
I scroll job after job after job after job after job, AI this, years of experience that, please bring knowledge about Linux, Windows, Team Work, Scrum, own-initiative and self-governance in accordance with our 9 to 5 with one day of home office a month, knowing these 15 languages is an absolute must and you need to be proficient in English, German, Japanese, Cantonese and some french would be useful.
Hm? Pay?
We start at 40k€ but we have holiday bonuses.. sometimes, maybe.. eventually, probably not.
Half the sites I try to apply at not only want my data, my phone number to sell to advertisers and my carefully crafted CV, they also want a letter of motivation that I can’t be asked to generate with AI anymore, so I just skip them.
Opening my emails, I read three rejections from companies I forgot I applied at weeks ago, but I’m happy they at least tell me about it I guess.
My morning newsletter, telling me about the movements of the stock market I have not participated in a single time in my life, I just like to see when the latest economic bubble bursts.
World news this world news that, three quarters of it is the US anyway.

In my playlist, running off of my self-hosted Jellyfin “That was just your life” by Metallica plays.

Oh right, my student discount on Spotify expires next month, should cancel that no? I haven’t been a student in four months and already had to give up my cheaper public transport subscription, but I was just getting too old to get it anyway at 27. I got some discounts and freebies extended just before my student email got deleted but it is all running on burrowed time. I spend years optimizing my monthly spending to keep up with inflation but all the subscriptions will jump in price this year from the expiring benefits alone.

Another letter from the unemployment office, they want the same things they asked for last month again, no money till that is sorted. No insurance till that is sorted.
Another letter from insurance, they are getting anxious about how I’m actually insured. Send them the application for unemployment and hope they will talk to me instead of just throwing me out.
Another letter from the city, local elections in two months. In the city that hasn’t changed leadership or parties in like 30 years, no matter what. In a way it’s reassuring even, unlike everywhere else the fascists haven’t moved in here.
Another letter for some local company desperately putting unasked for advertisements into locals’ mailboxes, as they too see nobody can afford a leisurely purchased pizza or other takeout anymore. They try to survive themselves.
No more letters.

In my playlist “Sad but true” is playing.

Oh right, need to micromanage transactions, make sure things don’t accidentally overrun my debt limit on my bank account.
Move things around, debt payments go first, can’t have my credit score tank.
Move things around, utilities go too, and so do the most important insurances that I probably can’t even use right now.
Move things around, need to be able to buy food this week.
Move things around, don’t want to accidentally pay rent and bring it all crashing down.
Need to tell my landlord it’s going to be late this month yet again. But hey, she is the one who fired me, at this point it’s expected anyway.

I scroll jobs again. Should I go sacrifice my sanity and go for IT support? Work for a military company or the police? Pretend I can do AI things? Beg the local grocery store to let me stack shelves? I would at least have health insurance again…

I life on borrowed time, borrowed money, borrowed health, borrowed sanity, and the interest payments are looming, threatening to crush me.

I refuse.

Why?
Anything that brings you joy? I guess the tea I just drank
Anyone that you fight for? Idk nobody really depends on me
Anyone that builds you up? Idk I guess I hang out with friends sometimes
Anything that gives you hope? Not really, future looks very boring at best
Anywhere you want to go? I guess I wanted to move to Berlin for a while at some point maybe

“The end of the line” is playing.

What the hell is keeping you going? What is going on? Everything weights on you, everything tries to stop you? How do you..?

I refuse.

There must be something? Anger? Spite? Rage?

Not really, I know too much about tech and politics to blame anything specifically, I know why things are as they are.

But then why don’t you give up?

I refuse.

But why?

I refuse.

But how?

I refuse.

But… ??

I refuse.

I refuse to let money control my life.
I refuse to let doctors gatekeep my medication.
I refuse to let the state control what jobs I settle for.
I refuse to let people pay my bills for me with the money they earned.
I refuse to let bureaucrats keep the money I worked years for.
I refuse to let companies rot my brain.
I refuse to let people tell me what the fuck I can and can’t do, I fought over a decade to be here.

17 year old me would be amazed at the place I live it.
17 year old me would be amazed at the people I am friends with.
17 year old me would be amazed at what I look like.
17 year old me would be amazed at the confidence and willpower I have.
17 year old me would be amazed at what I have achieved.
17 year old me would be amazed at how far I’ve gotten.

I refuse to settle for survival just because circumstances outside of my control want to keep me from thriving.

You can’t stop me, and you won’t, universe.

I am more powerful than you, I have proven so all my life.