[CW16] Fond Patience

Content Notes

Mentions of alcohol, sex, maybe abuse.

Fond Patience

My key slides into the lock, I try to turn it. My heart stops for a second as it resists, I yank it but it still doesn’t budge. I calm myself — take a deep breath — take it out and try again. It turns, the lock opens. Must have just been bad luck on the first attempt.
I slowly open the apartment door, peaking inside to see if I am walking in on something. Even though it is the middle of the day the rooms are dark. I can barely see, but I can’t see anyone, so let’s have a look around.
Navigating the dark is manageable, nothing is unexpectedly getting in my way. It looks like the place is still orderly from when I cleaned a few days ago. Finding the bedroom the curtains are closed, barely any light is coming through. I go to open them at least a little.
I almost trip over her clothes on the floor, but I make it over safely.
As these thick fabrics guarding this darkness give way to the late afternoon light, the room is yanked out of the shadows. Finally I know she is safe, I can hear her moaning in protest from under her blanket.: “What.. what are you…”.
“You didn’t pick up your phone, I was getting worried”.
My concern is met with silence, but by the look on her face that can be as much her hangover as it can be guilt. I go to the kitchen and grab some water, leaving her to adjust to the daylight. The kitchen looks as I left it a few days ago.
With a glass of water I return to the bedroom, where I find her buried under her pillow.
I put the glass down on her nightstand and sit down on her bedside. I place my hand on her back, slowly brushing over it: “How much did you drink yesterday?”.
“Not as much.. as last time…”.
“I can tell, you made it home this time”. I continue brushing over her back, watching over her.

After a few minutes a hand finally reaches out to the glass on the nightstand. I give her some space, let her collect herself and hydrate. I can feel her eyes on me as I collect the clothes scattered around on the floor.
”… you don’t always have to do that, you know. It kinda makes me feel guilty”.
“There is no guilt in having people care about you”, I mean it.
She stares out the window, eyes barely able to take the dusk.
It wasn’t like there were many clothes to collect anyway. On nights like that she doesn’t wear much irregardless of temperatures outside. Maybe she also just lost some on the way, but most likely she just didn’t wear a shirt again.
I sit back down at her bedside. Looking at her, her face, her hair, her shoulders, her chest, I don’t see any bruises or anything at least. Besides her familiar scars she looks unharmed, and just stares out the window.
“If you keep staring at me like that, I might bite you”, finally she turns to me and makes eye contact — even if it is for that reason.
“I don’t think you’re in any position to threaten me right now like this”, I smile back.
She puts her hands around me, presses against me, presses her chest against mine and whispers into my ears: “Who says I’m threatening?”.
Her voice is sweet, but I can also tell how much she must have drank yesterday by how her sweat smells. I put my arms around her and put my hand at the back of her head, pull her in protectively.
I can hear her pout: “That’s not fair, I’m trying to seduce you…”.
“You should drink some more water”, I grab the water from the nightstand and give it to her.
Her head hangs low, but she accept it, takes another sip and puts it away again.
“Did something happen yesterday?”.
She looks off to the side to nowhere in particular: “If something had, I’d hardly be in my bed alone right now”. Her fingers dig into her blanket.
So I take she did went to that party after all. I gently brush her hair to the side, so I can see her eyes. She ignores me, but I can see tears forming in her eyes.
“Are you angry?”.
“Why would I be?”.
“Because you told me not to go, everyone did. You told me I shouldn’t drink, everyone did”. A tear rolls down her face.
I am not, but if I just tell her that she won’t believe me, even if she wanted to. I put my hand on hers grabbing onto the blanket, hold onto it until it finally loosens.
Her head turns to me, she looks at me again. The room is starting to go dark from the sun setting, but her dark green eyes filled with tears reflect what little light is left. I try to meet her gaze, but it is rare I can get through to her: “It is okay, I can still see your efforts”.
She let’s herself fall onto my lap, buries into it hiding her tears. I put my hand on her hair. It feels like she hadn’t washed it since last time I was here, but that’s irrelevant right now. I would like to say a lot of things, but in this state none of them would reach, so I can just sit here.
“You’re weird”. Her hand grabs onto my leg, like it had to the blanket before: “You should exploit me”.
“What if I don’t feel like exploiting you?”.
“That’s why you’re weird… you have a half naked woman laying in your lap and you don’t think about exploiting her?”.
“Does she want me to?”.
“She does”.
I slowly, gently, run my nails over her arm, I know she loves that. I can see it from her goosebumps and the way she starts smiling. However there is only so much I can give her: “Did you look for people to exploit you yesterday?”. The hand on my leg grabs on stronger, her head sinks into her shoulders: “What if I were… nobody ever wants to anyway”.
I can picture her, throwing herself heavily drunk at every man at woman. I saw it once before, but I heard from others its not uncommon once she had too much.
“Are you angry?”.
“I’m not. I’m proud of you”.
She suddenly jolts up: “Why? Of what?!”.
“Because you made it home, unharmed”.
Tears start flowing down her face: “But.. why would you…”.
I take her into my arms and squeeze her tight, she cries into my shoulder. I wish I could understand her, figure out things I can say or do that make her life easier.

I found some food in her cabinets I could cook. It’s not much but I fear she hasn’t eaten, so it will have to do. Taking some time in the kitchen also gives her a few minutes to herself, getting somewhat dressed and collected.
Maybe I can manage to go to the store with her later before it closes, get her fridge filled up with some things. Worst case I can just go myself, but I think it would be better to have her with me.
The food is done, I prepare two plates with it and put it on the little table in the kitchen. She didn’t use to have a place to have food with people, only ever ate on the couch. I’m happy we found this table recently and she let me put it in here.
A few minutes pass, the sun had already set and I had to turn on the light in the kitchen. I finally hear the bedroom door open.
She slowly, drowsily, steps into the kitchen. She didn’t just put on simple sleep clothes or something to go to the grocery store with, she put on an entire outfit — no wonder she took this so long. A pretty pink blouse, her little seahorse earrings, the silver chain with the heart at the end, the skinny jeans with the pretty flower pattern on them…
She quietly takes a seat, takes the fork and starts eating slowly. She must still have a headache: “Should I turn off the light?”.
“No… I’m fine”, she takes another fork of food.
Now that she is so close I can see she even put on makeup. It is not flashy, but a moderate amount of mascara and concealer, with a bit of blush.
“Careful, if you keep staring like this I might have you for desert”, she smirks.
“Are you planning to go out again?”.
She goes quiet, puts the fork down.
Maybe I shouldn’t have asked…
“I…”, she breaks eye contact. She crosses her arms and leans back into her chair. “I… I thought if you’d already.. like if you cook for me, I want to look nice for you”.
I never know what’s going on with her…
”… do you like it?”.
“It’s pretty”.
“Thanks…”. She leans back forward and continues eating.
It is getting late, we probably won’t have time to get groceries.
“Do you still like me..?”.
“Why would I not?”.
“No reason.. I just need you to say it”.
I see… I put on a smile: “Yes, I still like you”.
She smiles to herself: “Thank you”.

I quickly wash what few dishes that got dirty. I don’t want to leave any dishes, I don’t know when or if she would get around to cleaning it. I can feel her eyes in my back as I stand in front of the sink, I think she isn’t even on her phone, just watching me instead.
“Could… could you stay?”.
“I have work in the morning, I don’t want to make you get up at five”.
“I won’t mind”.
I know that, but she will also sleep in very late then. And when she gets up late, when the sun had already set again she won’t have the energy to do anything. Whenever that happens she spirals again.
“So…?”.
“I think we both need rest, and your bed isn’t very big, we won’t be getting much of it this way”.
“Okay”.
I finish up the last plate and put it up on the drying rack. I grab a dishtowel and dry my hands, turn around to face her. She is scrolling on her phone now.
Her outfit is pretty, even if putting on makeup and everything just to have food with me really wasn’t necessary. I wish I had more time for her, but I wish I had more time for everyone really. Life has been busy for a while, and every time I see her I feel like its to fix up a crisis or help her back up again. “We should spend some time together again”.
She looks up from her phone: “Spend time? I thought you’re always out”.
“I am, but maybe we can make some plans”.
“Like in a few months?”.
“My calendar isn’t that full”, I sigh.
“It kinda is though. And I rather have some fixed date from you than a vague ‘let’s do something some time’, that rarely works with you”.
I mean… she’s not wrong… but I still try. “The spring festival is in town soon, maybe we can go there together?”.
“If it works I’d love to. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t, I’m used to you canceling plans last minute so don’t worry”.
Nothing I can say about that really, she is indeed used to it…

I’m standing in the hallway getting ready to leave, she accompanied me to her door. I wish I had time tomorrow to come around again and help her shop groceries. Besides work I also have a few things to take care off, as well as a friend I promised to do something with weeks ago. In a way I dread it, but I can’t put that off. On my way home I should write her best friend to check in with her tomorrow.
“So.. you’re leaving”, she pulls on my coat.
It take her into my arms and press her tightly. I wish I could stay but if I also know I won’t be making it to work on time tomorrow then. Part of it is my fault, I already miss my first two alarms on a regular day — and with her next to me I might not even want to leave.
She whispers into my ear: “Can I.. can I give you a kiss”.
“Okay”, I lean down for her a little.
She kisses me on the forehead, I told her a long time ago that’s something that I like. Meeting her eyes again I can see her smile finally. I feel like she is also holding back a few tears, but I could be wrong.
She wraps her arms around me again, I hug her back: “Don’t forget to drink some more water before going to bed later”.
“Okay”.
I hug her tight one more time.
“I love you”.
I slowly let go of her, and pet her head. She gives me another smile. Not the first time she said this to me, but I really wish she would love herself some more too.
I step through the apartment door, she slowly closes it behind me. She gives me one last smile before it closes.
I head down the stairway, as I take out my phone to write her friend. It’s late so he’ll probably only read it tomorrow. I hope she drinks enough water, I hope she gets some rest, and that I don’t have to come around next week again like this…
Maybe I should have stayed.

[CW16] Fond Patience